Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Overwhelmed


I wish I had something witty to say here, but I think the picture speaks for itself. The only difference between me and that baby is that I put myself in this position by putting off my work and waiting until last minute to complete assigments and write papers. There everyone, I admitted it. It's my own fault. Happy now?

It's Game Time.....

Okay, so here's what we're going to do. I know how some of you can't sleep at night if you don't have a new blog of mine to read at night. However, as a result of my severe procrastination tendencies I have a very large workload from now until the end of the semester. Consequently, my blog is going to really suffer. I don't want to lose my fans such as yourself, so I've come up with a way that I can briefly post a blog each day and describe my mood. It could be kind of fun (although my definition of fun is somewhat demented and different than other people's). Anyway, here's the 4-11. Each day before I go to sleep, I am going to type a few words that best describe my mood for the day or that best summarize my day into google images and see what images come up. The most popular search result image that shows up, will be the image used for that blog. As I have done these types of searchers before, I can assure you the images are quite entertaining and somewhat comical. Sound like fun? I thought so... here it goes!

Friday, November 25, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving!

First and foremost, Happy Thanksgiving! I hope everyone had a great day and got to eat a lot of great food. I know I did. I took it upon myself to eat enough food for every starving person on this planet (and then some). I always enjoy spending Thanksgiving with my family and this year I have so much to be thankful for. Mark got some exciting news on Wednesday. Instead of trying to explain, I'm just going to copy and paste my mom's email with the details:

Mark will no longer be a participant in the clinical trial. He is ecstatic to
be done with the IL2 treatments! Since the last time his cancer was
stable and this time one of his lymph nodes was slightly enlarged, he
is no longer eligible to continue. That is O.K. though, since they
think the enlargement was due to Mark's port infection, not due to
the cancer. The oncologist wants him to have new CT scans done in a
month (on Dec. 23, to be exact), and then we will know if the lymph
node is normal or not. If it is not, it will be removed surgically.
The oncologist is still very optimistic, because she has seen a case
just like this, where infection was the cause of the enlargement.
That patient's later scans were perfect. Dr. Kendra still believes
Mark will be a "total responder". There was no new cancer, and the
other places where the cancer existed before are gone now.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Okay, so let's play a little thanksgiving game. Now that you all know what I'm thankful for, it's your turn. Post a comment telling what you are thankful for this Thanksgiving. You better do it....

Saturday, November 19, 2005

I feel like crap. I haven't been able to breathe out of my nose for several days now. I have the numb upper lip that feels like botox gone wrong because of blowing my nose so much. My head is congested and I have almost gone through an entire box of kleenex. But hey, I have good news. I just saved 15% on my Nyquil by buying the kroger brand instead! I'm hoping to get a good night's sleep tonight thanks to drinking an entire bottle of "Nite Time" (very orignal name for the Kroger knock off of Nyquil). Don't worry, it's not the green kind that taste like a poor imitation of black licorice. It was the cherry kind. And don't worry, I didn't really drink the whole bottle, I took the recommended dose. It should be kicking in any minute now. Only then will I no longer here all the drunk boys outside of my window arguing about whose muscle's are bigger. So I don't usually do this, but because I'm sick and bored out of my mind on a Friday night... I have a score prediction for the Ohio State vs. Michigan game tomorrow. My prediction is 31-14 Buckeyes. So, it's the first time I think I've ever picked a score for a game, but I don't think it's all that bad. Let me know what you think. If everyone says it's a terrible prediction, I will blame it on the Nyquil. Goodnight everyone and GO BUCKS!!!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Leave it alone...

Why people pick at their scabs is a phenomenon I'm trying to better understand. The purpose of a scab is to protect a wound and help it heal. Without it, the wound will continue to bleed and won't go away. We know we should just leave them alone but yet, for some reason we pick them anyway. I know we've all done it; had a scab that we knew we needed to leave alone and let heal, but for some reason there is something that makes us pick at it. We know ahead of time what's going to happen when we do. It's going to bleed, take longer to heal, and possibly even scar. Okay, before you get all grossed out, I'm speaking metaphorically here. The "scab" could be a number of different things depending on the person and the events in their life. But the scab I will be referring to in today's lesson is the scab of a past relationship. The relationship that you couldn't accept was over and struggled to let go of. When I speak of picking this "relationship scab" I'm talking about doing things that you know are going to hurt you and things that will make it harder for you to let this "scab" heal. I'm talking about things like constantly checking their away message, instant messaging them, calling them, and worst of all, becoming obsessed with figuring out whether or not they've moved on and found someone new (I am guilty of them all). I'm sure we've all experienced this to some degree although there are some people who are more prone to "picking scabs" and focusing on the past rather than the future (guilty...again). When a relationship ends, it's usually because one person doesn't think it's going to work out. The other person is the one who is usually left picking the scab. But why? Isn't it reason enough to move on just knowing that the other person doesn't want to be with you? When did it become acceptable to be desperate and beg for someone's affection? Last I checked, NEVER. So why do we (I emphasize the WE) do it? The obvious reason is because we cared about this person and really had hoped that it would work. But it didn't and unfortunately a relationship consists of two people so your determination to make it work isn't enough. They say that love is blind and all of that sappy stuff, so it's easy to see why the person with the "love-sick scab" doesn't see that picking it is only going to make things worse. People can be pretty judgmental of other people who are picking at their scabs. I'm speaking both metaphorically and literally here. Literally speaking, it is pretty gross if you've ever witnessed someone else picking at their scabs and it's fairly common to judge them and think about how disgusting they are for doing it, completely ignoring the fact that you too have probably done the same thing. Metaphorically speaking, watching someone hold on to a past relationship is also quite difficult and it's also pretty common to judge someone and think about how desperate they are for not just letting it go, completely ignoring the fact that you too have probably done the same thing. So remember when someone you care about is picking at an old scab, that things are much easier said than done. Do not forget your ability to empathize, and remember how you felt when you were in a similar situation (although this is very hard when you want so badly for someone you care about to get out of their rut and move on with their life). And if it's you that has the "love-sick scab," do not be that person who sits in class picking at their scab and putting the pieces of it onto their desk (sorry, I know it's gross..but unfortunately that really happens). I don't care who you are reading this. You deserve better than to waste your time picking at a scab. The time you are wasting is time that could be spent healing. The scab is going to have to heal and it's not something that is going to happen over night. The faster you heal, the less you scar. Think of your friends as the neosporin and your family as the band aid. With a little help from both, you will get through this. Just give it time, "and this too shall pass." It just needs time to heal.

DISCLAIMER: In no way shape or form am I claiming to be an expert in the area of relationships. Anyone who knows me realizes the opposite is true. The previously expressed thoughts are simply based on my personal experiences with letting go of old relationships and seeing myself and people I care about suffer from the picking of the scab syndrome. I am also not trying to pretend to be optimistic but rather am trying to be realistic.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Beware of Infections...

When I think of an infection, I think of something that needs a little neosporin and a band aid and then life goes on. When the doctors started talking about Mark's infection as something that is life-threatening, as you can imagine, I was shocked. He has stage IV cancer for god's sake, an infection is the least of his worries, right? Wrong. Turns out it's not uncommon for people going through this treatment to get these infections which can be fatal if it doesn't respond to antibiotics and continues to spread. So, going back to my blog about not worrying because it doesn't get you anywhere and it's a waste of time, yada yada yada - I have done very little of anything else besides worry during the past 36 hours or so. Even during the hour and a half last night watching the movie Amityville Horror I was worrying. Well, I guess I was worrying more about not peeing my pants, but you get the idea. I feel bad for the people around me when I get worried like this. I become that girl sitting next to you in class who keeps clicking her pen or tapping her foot at speeds you didn't know possible. I become that annoying friend who appears to be listening to you but then can't repeat a single word you just said. I become that employee who has to ask you a million questions to complete one simple task and even then screws it up. Another endearing quality of mine when I'm worrying compulsively is eating uncontrollably. I eat even more than I normally do (yeah, I didn't think that it was possible either!). I've decided that I want to be nine years old again. That was a good year for me and I want to go back. Sure, being nine again will have some negative consequences. At the age of nine I had a haircut that made me look like a mushroom. Somewhat like the girl in the picture, but bigger with much more teasing. At the age of nine I also had a gap in between my two front teeth and buck teeth that made me look like I sucked my thumb until the age of six (oh wait, I did...). Mix both of those characteristics with my lazy eye and you get one cute kid! Yeah, I looked like I was conceived by two people who were brother and sister. All of that aside, I was still happy. Life was so simple. I hadn't faced challenges like losing a sibling and watching someone you love suffer from cancer. My biggest worries were my sister calling me a pee wart because I had a little bladder control problem at night, or her telling the entire bus of kids that we almost missed the bus because I had peed the bed AGAIN (yeah, she definitely emphasized the again). I don't want to sound like my grandparents here, but those were the good old days. Anyway, Mark is the most optimistic of us all about this infection. He calls it just "a bump in the road." I sure hope he's right. He's surpassed the doctor's expectations up till now so there's no reason to think that he can't do it again. Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers! They mean so much! Until next time, this pee wart is signing off.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

CAUTION: May Cause Drowsiness

There is nothing wrong with enjoying sleep. Just because taking naps is one of my favorite things to do, doesn't mean that I have a problem. Okay, okay, I admit it. I do sleep more than most people thought was humanly possible and surprisingly wake up still tired. I acknowledge the fact that my sleep pattern is all out of whack. While most people are awake I am sleeping, and while most people are sleeping, I'm wide awake. When I was a kid, I couldn't wait for the day when I didn't have to take a nap anymore. Now, I would give anything to go back to those days (except now I know the effects sucking your thumb has so maybe I could skip over the whole buck teeth and 8 years of braces thing). What brought this topic up, you might be wondering. Well, while trying to figure out my classes for next semester, I came across somewhat of a predicament for a night owl like myself: an 8:00am class on Tuesday and Thursdays that I really need to take. That would mean, at the very latest, I would have to wake up by 7:30am and out the door by 7:45. Those of you reading this right now, even if you don't know me that well, probably know that will be next to impossible for me. And it's not like I could come back and sleep after the class, I would have at least 2 more classes after that and then work. When asked what she thought about me taking an 8am class next semester, Lisa said "Not good." Kari added, "I don't think so." My sister who happened to be around for the conversation contributed, "I don't care, Emily." Thanks Betsy, I appreciate your concern. Emily gave me the big thumbs down with some sort of farting noise. As you can see, no one has faith in me that I can make it to this class. Well I am going to take the class just to prove you all wrong. I can and I will make it to that class. I have turned over a new leaf. No more naps for me in the afternoon. No more late nights of homework until 3am. No more talking on IM all night. You don't think I can do it, believe what you will. Sorry tonight's entry is so boring. I hate leaving you disappointed. I will redeem myself next time.