I'm not sure how or why, but when I had a miscarriage, I felt as though I shouldn't tell anyone. I think it's a combination of several factors. The fact that you're not supposed to tell anyone you're pregnant until you are at least 12 weeks along and the "major threat" of miscarriage has passed is practically beaten into your head. So when you do miscarry, you feel as though you shouldn't talk about it since that's the reason you didn't tell people you were pregnant in the first place - to avoid talking about miscarriage. Many people believe miscarriages are something that should
be left private. Having now gone through the experience, however, I disagree.
Feeling like you're not supposed to talk about a miscarriage sends the message that what you went through is shameful and something you should be guilty or embarrassed of. I don't believe that women should feel as though having a miscarriage is something that needs to be kept private, as I did at first. If you want to keep it private, that's a choice that is up to you and your partner. And by all means, I don't think anyone should be forced to talk about something they aren't comfortable with sharing. That being said, if a woman and/or couple want to be open about it and talk to others about what they've gone through, I believe that's their right. Personally, talking about it has made it much easier for me to deal with.
I have found that people knowing about our miscarriage has provided both Pat and me with much needed support through a difficulty and scary time. And most importantly, I have found that by talking about it, I continue to learn more and more people who have been through the same thing - something I would never know if I didn't share my own experience. It feels good to talk to people who know exactly what you are going through and if no one ever talked about it, how would we know we're not alone?
Believe me, just because you're doctor tells you you're not alone and that miscarriages are common or just because you read about the statistics on the internet, does not make you feel any better. If you personally don't know one person who has ever had a miscarriage, knowing this information only makes you feel more isolated. It is only through talking with other people that have been through the same situation that made me truly believe I wasn't alone.
Now having gone through this situation, I can tell you that I completely understand and support the waiting until 12 weeks to tell people you are pregnant. For some reason, it is much easier for me to tell people who didn't know I was ever pregnant that I had miscarried than to tell people who already knew and were excited about it. It feels as though each time you have to tell someone who already knew you were pregnant, that you weren't anymore, that not only did you have to burst their balloon of excitement, but your own excitement and happiness had to shatter again each time too.
I can honestly say I am in a good place after our miscarriage. We learned through the situation that we are definitely ready to start our family (something I wasn't sure of when I first found out I was pregnant). I learned that Pat will be there with me every step of our pregnancy journey (something I always knew but got to learn firsthand). And I learned what a true miracle and blessing getting pregnant actually is, something I think I took for granted when we first found out.
Does this mean that I believe I miscarried so that next time around I will appreciate it more or that it was a punishment for my lack of initial excitement? Absolutely not. But I do believe that in trying to focus on the silver lining and what you can take away and learn from the experience, these are all things to focus on.
So many people make the same comment about miscarriage, "I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy." I said these exact words to Pat in the emergency room when I was in severe pain and being poked and prodded by the nurses and doctors. And it's true. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But the reality is, people will continue to have miscarriages and I want my friends and family to know that if they do go through it, they aren't alone. I believe the more we share, the more we all grow.
Feeling like you're not supposed to talk about a miscarriage sends the message that what you went through is shameful and something you should be guilty or embarrassed of. I don't believe that women should feel as though having a miscarriage is something that needs to be kept private, as I did at first. If you want to keep it private, that's a choice that is up to you and your partner. And by all means, I don't think anyone should be forced to talk about something they aren't comfortable with sharing. That being said, if a woman and/or couple want to be open about it and talk to others about what they've gone through, I believe that's their right. Personally, talking about it has made it much easier for me to deal with.
I have found that people knowing about our miscarriage has provided both Pat and me with much needed support through a difficulty and scary time. And most importantly, I have found that by talking about it, I continue to learn more and more people who have been through the same thing - something I would never know if I didn't share my own experience. It feels good to talk to people who know exactly what you are going through and if no one ever talked about it, how would we know we're not alone?
Believe me, just because you're doctor tells you you're not alone and that miscarriages are common or just because you read about the statistics on the internet, does not make you feel any better. If you personally don't know one person who has ever had a miscarriage, knowing this information only makes you feel more isolated. It is only through talking with other people that have been through the same situation that made me truly believe I wasn't alone.
Now having gone through this situation, I can tell you that I completely understand and support the waiting until 12 weeks to tell people you are pregnant. For some reason, it is much easier for me to tell people who didn't know I was ever pregnant that I had miscarried than to tell people who already knew and were excited about it. It feels as though each time you have to tell someone who already knew you were pregnant, that you weren't anymore, that not only did you have to burst their balloon of excitement, but your own excitement and happiness had to shatter again each time too.
I can honestly say I am in a good place after our miscarriage. We learned through the situation that we are definitely ready to start our family (something I wasn't sure of when I first found out I was pregnant). I learned that Pat will be there with me every step of our pregnancy journey (something I always knew but got to learn firsthand). And I learned what a true miracle and blessing getting pregnant actually is, something I think I took for granted when we first found out.
Does this mean that I believe I miscarried so that next time around I will appreciate it more or that it was a punishment for my lack of initial excitement? Absolutely not. But I do believe that in trying to focus on the silver lining and what you can take away and learn from the experience, these are all things to focus on.
So many people make the same comment about miscarriage, "I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy." I said these exact words to Pat in the emergency room when I was in severe pain and being poked and prodded by the nurses and doctors. And it's true. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But the reality is, people will continue to have miscarriages and I want my friends and family to know that if they do go through it, they aren't alone. I believe the more we share, the more we all grow.
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