New year reflections

I ended last year reflecting on what a roller coaster life is and the struggle of allowing yourself to experience and deal with hardships and sadness without preventing yourself from feeling joy and happiness. My 2011 reflections are very similar. My guess is that this is just a part of life and that it will always be a roller coaster full of the good, the bad and the ugly and that the real lessons will come from learning how to experience and deal with everything life throws at you.

I've experienced a great deal of the good, the bad and the ugly already in my twenty-eight years of life - a lot has been thrown at me - but yet, even with a lot of experience, I still struggle with how to properly deal with such wide ranges of emotions.

Last year at this time my step-dad was in the hospital battling cancer. In a week, it will be the first anniversary of his stroke and a few weeks later, the first anniversary of his death. The months after his death were truly a blur. I was trying to figure out what life was like without him and in the meantime, not letting life pass me by.

My first reaction after Mark died was to cancel our trip to Mexico that would be taking place just a few months later. It just didn't feel right to be doing something fun while I was hurting so much inside. But we went anyway (because we would have lost a lot of money by canceling) and I'm so glad we did. The restrictions of our financial deposit threw me into a situation that would force me to let myself feel sadness, happiness, pain and excitement all at once. I did and we had a great trip!

Last year, I wrote about friends and family who were struggling to start families. In 2011, these same people either had their babies or are expecting them soon. What a blessing! But in the roller coaster of life, just as one person ends their struggle, a struggle begins for someone else. Unfortunately, now it's Pat and I who are off to a rough start with the journey into parenthood after going through a miscarriage in early December.

I've said it before and I'll reiterate, I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. Too much has happened in my life without "reason" and I can't believe in a God who would rip a son and brother from a family in a tragic way. No "reason" could ever be good enough. That being said, I do believe that there is always a silver lining and one of the most difficult and most beautiful things in life is learning to focus on the positive in what appear to be desolate situations. To some this comes naturally. For me it does not. It is a learned behavior and something I continue to work on. And I'm getting better.

We began 2011 with one of the most painful situations of my life, the death of my step-dad and our first real loss as a couple. We ended the year with another painful situation and our second loss as a couple, our miscarriage. The silver lining? We made it through - together. We are a stronger couple because of both situations and we found a new appreciation for each other through it all. I've always felt lucky to have found Pat, but having him by my side in the most difficult situations is a huge reminder of how blessed I really am.

At the beginning of December, I couldn't wait to see 2011 go. All I could focus on was the heartache it brought me and my family and I was so excited to say goodbye and good riddance to 2011 and welcome in 2012. But as life would have it, we didn't have to end our year focusing on our lost pregnancy. Our niece, Harper, was born on December 28, and this little miracle was exactly what we needed to end the year on a high note.

We have every reason to believe 2012 will be full of blessings, as long as we allow ourselves to look for them and feel them completely. Wishing you a happy, healthy 2012!

"Make it a habit to look for the silver lining.... Then turn it into gold."