My life as I know it

Oh how I wish that saying was true for me. But the reality is, I won't try anything once. It is something about myself that really bothers me and I'm trying very hard to change my ways. Change being the operative word since I blame my lack of risk taking on my fear and resistance to change. I'm not 100% sure how I got this way, but I have some ideas. When I was a kid, you know, during my impressionable youth, most of the change I encountered was negative. My parents divorce and my brother's death being the two major events that came without warning and changed my life forever. That's one explanation, which I definitely think has some merit to it. The other explanation is just that some people like to have control, particularly anxious people, and when you encounter changes and new things, you give up a certain element of that control. I would venture to guess that both explanations contribute to my lack of an adventurous way of life. I am the least adventurous whe...

It has been a difficult few days for me. After an accidental dropping of my computer this weekend by one of Pat's friends, my computer would no longer turn on. It couldn't have been broken, I thought, since it only feel approximately two feet from the couch and landed on our carpeted floor. The problem was, I had my flash drive in the USB port and of course since I'm cursed with all things electronic, it landed right on the flash drive causing it to jam internally into the rest of the computer. Pat and I took it to the Apple store yesterday. I held the computer in my arms as we walked to the store to determine the fate of my computer. My lifeline. My love. After doing some testing, the Apple Genius, I believe his name was Jeremy - we will call him Dr. Jeremy, informed me that the results were not good. The USB drive had been pushed into the motherboard of my computer on impact during the dropping. It would cost me over $800 to repair it. I felt like the walls were closing i...

I was in a meeting at work today and was completely inspired by something our guest said. We were talking about making changes and improvements in an organization (our organization to be specific) and he said, "Stop talking about it. Stop thinking about. Just do it." Outside of it's immediate context (although I thought it was very inspiring for us and our organization) I was actually thinking more about myself and my most recent blog about my anxiety and worrying. I told myself I'm going to adopt it as my new motto. It was one of the only notes I took during that meeting. I think it's fitting that I've been worrying all day and evening about my surgery tomorrow. Hey, Rome wasn't built in a day! Getting put under isn't fun, surgery isn't fun, being in pain isn't fun, and I'm just ready to be done with my mouth trouble (as you know). The last time general anesthesia was used on me, I had stomach problems for over a week. I hope that doesn...

Many people who know me well know that I struggle with anxiety and worrying too much about everything. A few weeks ago I stumbled across a journal entry written in 2005 (handwritten I might add - only a few weeks before I started my blog). I read over the journal entry and was so shocked that three years later I still struggle so much with worrying and letting my anxiety get the best of me. I guess I was hoping that with time my worrying would just disappear? Wishful thinking. The following is my journal entry: October 17, 2005 "Worrying is like being in a rocking chair. It occupies your time but doesn't get you anywhere." This quote is so very true, but yet so many people still spend much of their lives worrying. Why is this? Is it an innate characteristic that when strong feelings are involved, rationalizing is nearly impossible? Or is it all a matter of learning self-control and being able to tame that voice inside your head known as your conscious? I am tru...