From the day after our wedding (actually, even before we were officially married) people started asking the question, "When are you going to have kids?" The answer was always easy. I would laugh and say "Not any time soon!" Pat and both knew we wanted to have kids eventually, but both agreed we wouldn't try right away. Age 30 sounded about right to both of us.
Without any surprise, when I visited my doctor in February for my annual exam, she asked about our plan for kids. I confidently told her our plan to wait until we were 30 and then start trying. In a very professional and informative way, not in any way overbearing or pushy, she went over the statistics about women and their eggs, after the age of 30. She explained that women are born with a certain amount of eggs, the only amount of eggs they will ever have in their lifetime. When women turn 30, this percentage of eggs goes down to only 12% remaining. She went on to explain that this is still a very large amount of eggs but that there was no way of knowing how long it would take for me to get pregnant. It could take up to two years, she explained. For this reason, she recommended that maybe we should consider trying at age 28 or 29. I was still 26 at this time and thought, "Well, that's still 2 or 3 years from now, maybe we'll be ready by then."
At a wedding a few weeks ago, I was asked again when Pat and I were going to start having kids. I answered the question the same way I always do, "Not any time soon." His response was great. He actually agreed with this plan. He encouraged me not to rush it and enjoy being married, after all we're still young (so he thought). Then he asked, "How old are you?" I told him I would be turning 27 in July. Either he didn't try or wasn't able to hide his reaction. It was very obvious that he wanted to retract his statement about being young and waiting to start having kids.
The next week at work, someone asked me how long I've been married. I told her it was one year in May. Without even asking, she passed along her advice of not rushing to have kids. Thank goodness! Another person who agrees with my logic. "Besides, you're still young," she said. Yes, I agreed. "I will be 27 in July." "Oh," she responded in a surprised voice. "I thought you were much younger than that."
I'm sure that almost every single married couple goes through this exact same thing. And for many people, maybe they just ask because they think they're supposed to or they've already asked "How's married life" so many times that they want to move on to another question.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't starting to feel a little bit of pressure. Then, when we were out to dinner last week, Pat asked the question, "So when do you want to start trying?" I was mid-gulp of my beer and luckily didn't spit it out. "We have to talk about it sometime," he explained after seeing the shock on my face. He thinks the end of next summer, after I've turned 28, is a good time to start trying.
Ever since we had that conversation, I've been doing a lot of thinking about it. The entire drive to Dayton with my friend and coworker, mother of three, I asked her questions about pregnancy, giving birth, raising children, etc. I explained to her some of my fears and as we were talking, I realized I was scared of a lot! Even though these are very raw and personal thoughts, I didn't know what else to do except write about them.
The overarching fear I have about having kids is fear of change. I know I've written about this before, but as a recap, I have never been someone that adapts well to change. It's really hard for even Pat to fully understand this, because I am often the one who initiates changes in our life and get really excited about them at first, until the time when the change will take place gets closer. Perfect example. Grady. Everyone knows that getting a puppy was my idea. I am the one who did all of the research on breeds, read the puppy books (and took pages of notes), contacted the breeder and made all of the arrangements to adopt Grady (with my husbands help, of course). The night before we picked him up, I almost started to cry because I was nervous. I knew our life was about to change and it made me really nervous. Pat wasn't sure how to respond except by saying, "I thought you wanted to get a dog?" "I do," I answered. "Then why are you nervous?" The only response I could think of was to say that change, good or bad, always makes me nervous at first.
I'm definitely guilty of being an over-thinker too, which also doesn't help the situation. When I think of having kids, I immediately think of them becoming teenagers and treating me the way I treated my parents at that time. Not very nicely. When I shared this fear with a Dad of one of Pat's friends, he said, "You're thinking too much." I agree. At age 27 (almost) I am in no way prepared to raise a teenager. But at age 40 when I'll likely have one, maybe I will be!
I know that having kids is going to change my relationship with Pat. It's not going to be about just us anymore. That really scares me. I LOVE it being just about us. I know that we both love each other more than anything in this world and I want it to stay that way forever. In my mind, I fear that once we have kids, our marriage will come second. That scares me and makes me really sad.
I met a really nice man at our conference last week in Dayton. We were talking about his wife of two years and he said, "She used to be the best thing that ever happened to me. Until we had our daughter." Most people would probably say to him, "Aww! That is so sweet of you," (and I'm pretty sure that is what I said). But I was really thinking, how sad for your wife that she's no longer the best thing that's ever happened to you! Even as I type this, I know how ridiculous and immature it sounds. It's difficult to even admit but I can't deny that it's how I'm feeling.
I hear about couples who have children and for the next seven years while they're raising them, never go on a date as a couple. Never do anything for just the two of them. That scares me. I read on facebook, updates from mothers that say "I have not spent more than 5 minutes away from my daughter for the last 65 days." That scares me.
I am reading the book, Marley and Me, and I just read about the miscarriage the couple had and the heartbreak that came with it. That scares me. I had a dream last night that I had a baby and was completely ill-prepared to care for it. That scares me. Granted, in my dream there was no ninth month pregnancy to take advantage of by reading books and doing research...in typical dream fashion, the baby just appeared out of nowhere.
I hope that my fears and concerns are normal and are just a sign of the fact that I am really enjoying my time being married to my husband, just the two of us, and I'm just not ready to share him. I hope that my fears and concerns are normal and are just a sign of maturity. I believe that 27 IS still young, even if my biological clock disagrees.
I want to make sure you know that I actually really do love kids. I love my nephew more than I thought possible and I've really enjoyed watching him grow over the last 3 1/2 years. Every baby I see, I want to hold. I know that Pat and I will be good parents and we will be surrounded by a lot of people that will offer us support and guidance as we embark on that new journey. I also know that we would both be committed to our marriage and would never become one of those couples who stops having fun and stops going on dates. I read a quote from Seal in Redbook magazine about the fact that he and Heidi Klum, even with their four kids, still put their marriage first and believe everything about being a parent and a family stems from that. I completely agree! So if deep down I know all of these fears have no real basis, than why am I still afraid? Good question. I have no idea.
So regardless of whether or not you were wondering when Pat and I plan on having kids, you now know more information than you ever wanted to know. A lot can change in a year, and we do plan on talking about it again next summer to make sure we're both ready. And maybe we will be. Until then, I will continue holding babies when I get the chance and then give them back. I will continue spending as much time with my nephew as I can, and then give him back. :)
Without any surprise, when I visited my doctor in February for my annual exam, she asked about our plan for kids. I confidently told her our plan to wait until we were 30 and then start trying. In a very professional and informative way, not in any way overbearing or pushy, she went over the statistics about women and their eggs, after the age of 30. She explained that women are born with a certain amount of eggs, the only amount of eggs they will ever have in their lifetime. When women turn 30, this percentage of eggs goes down to only 12% remaining. She went on to explain that this is still a very large amount of eggs but that there was no way of knowing how long it would take for me to get pregnant. It could take up to two years, she explained. For this reason, she recommended that maybe we should consider trying at age 28 or 29. I was still 26 at this time and thought, "Well, that's still 2 or 3 years from now, maybe we'll be ready by then."
At a wedding a few weeks ago, I was asked again when Pat and I were going to start having kids. I answered the question the same way I always do, "Not any time soon." His response was great. He actually agreed with this plan. He encouraged me not to rush it and enjoy being married, after all we're still young (so he thought). Then he asked, "How old are you?" I told him I would be turning 27 in July. Either he didn't try or wasn't able to hide his reaction. It was very obvious that he wanted to retract his statement about being young and waiting to start having kids.
The next week at work, someone asked me how long I've been married. I told her it was one year in May. Without even asking, she passed along her advice of not rushing to have kids. Thank goodness! Another person who agrees with my logic. "Besides, you're still young," she said. Yes, I agreed. "I will be 27 in July." "Oh," she responded in a surprised voice. "I thought you were much younger than that."
I'm sure that almost every single married couple goes through this exact same thing. And for many people, maybe they just ask because they think they're supposed to or they've already asked "How's married life" so many times that they want to move on to another question.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't starting to feel a little bit of pressure. Then, when we were out to dinner last week, Pat asked the question, "So when do you want to start trying?" I was mid-gulp of my beer and luckily didn't spit it out. "We have to talk about it sometime," he explained after seeing the shock on my face. He thinks the end of next summer, after I've turned 28, is a good time to start trying.
Ever since we had that conversation, I've been doing a lot of thinking about it. The entire drive to Dayton with my friend and coworker, mother of three, I asked her questions about pregnancy, giving birth, raising children, etc. I explained to her some of my fears and as we were talking, I realized I was scared of a lot! Even though these are very raw and personal thoughts, I didn't know what else to do except write about them.
The overarching fear I have about having kids is fear of change. I know I've written about this before, but as a recap, I have never been someone that adapts well to change. It's really hard for even Pat to fully understand this, because I am often the one who initiates changes in our life and get really excited about them at first, until the time when the change will take place gets closer. Perfect example. Grady. Everyone knows that getting a puppy was my idea. I am the one who did all of the research on breeds, read the puppy books (and took pages of notes), contacted the breeder and made all of the arrangements to adopt Grady (with my husbands help, of course). The night before we picked him up, I almost started to cry because I was nervous. I knew our life was about to change and it made me really nervous. Pat wasn't sure how to respond except by saying, "I thought you wanted to get a dog?" "I do," I answered. "Then why are you nervous?" The only response I could think of was to say that change, good or bad, always makes me nervous at first.
I'm definitely guilty of being an over-thinker too, which also doesn't help the situation. When I think of having kids, I immediately think of them becoming teenagers and treating me the way I treated my parents at that time. Not very nicely. When I shared this fear with a Dad of one of Pat's friends, he said, "You're thinking too much." I agree. At age 27 (almost) I am in no way prepared to raise a teenager. But at age 40 when I'll likely have one, maybe I will be!
I know that having kids is going to change my relationship with Pat. It's not going to be about just us anymore. That really scares me. I LOVE it being just about us. I know that we both love each other more than anything in this world and I want it to stay that way forever. In my mind, I fear that once we have kids, our marriage will come second. That scares me and makes me really sad.
I met a really nice man at our conference last week in Dayton. We were talking about his wife of two years and he said, "She used to be the best thing that ever happened to me. Until we had our daughter." Most people would probably say to him, "Aww! That is so sweet of you," (and I'm pretty sure that is what I said). But I was really thinking, how sad for your wife that she's no longer the best thing that's ever happened to you! Even as I type this, I know how ridiculous and immature it sounds. It's difficult to even admit but I can't deny that it's how I'm feeling.
I hear about couples who have children and for the next seven years while they're raising them, never go on a date as a couple. Never do anything for just the two of them. That scares me. I read on facebook, updates from mothers that say "I have not spent more than 5 minutes away from my daughter for the last 65 days." That scares me.
I am reading the book, Marley and Me, and I just read about the miscarriage the couple had and the heartbreak that came with it. That scares me. I had a dream last night that I had a baby and was completely ill-prepared to care for it. That scares me. Granted, in my dream there was no ninth month pregnancy to take advantage of by reading books and doing research...in typical dream fashion, the baby just appeared out of nowhere.
I hope that my fears and concerns are normal and are just a sign of the fact that I am really enjoying my time being married to my husband, just the two of us, and I'm just not ready to share him. I hope that my fears and concerns are normal and are just a sign of maturity. I believe that 27 IS still young, even if my biological clock disagrees.
I want to make sure you know that I actually really do love kids. I love my nephew more than I thought possible and I've really enjoyed watching him grow over the last 3 1/2 years. Every baby I see, I want to hold. I know that Pat and I will be good parents and we will be surrounded by a lot of people that will offer us support and guidance as we embark on that new journey. I also know that we would both be committed to our marriage and would never become one of those couples who stops having fun and stops going on dates. I read a quote from Seal in Redbook magazine about the fact that he and Heidi Klum, even with their four kids, still put their marriage first and believe everything about being a parent and a family stems from that. I completely agree! So if deep down I know all of these fears have no real basis, than why am I still afraid? Good question. I have no idea.
So regardless of whether or not you were wondering when Pat and I plan on having kids, you now know more information than you ever wanted to know. A lot can change in a year, and we do plan on talking about it again next summer to make sure we're both ready. And maybe we will be. Until then, I will continue holding babies when I get the chance and then give them back. I will continue spending as much time with my nephew as I can, and then give him back. :)
Comments