I haven't really used this blog much (or at all) to talk about my step-dad Mark, his battle with cancer, his recent death and my struggle with accepting life without him. I had his blog so I didn't really need to mix the two. Well, now I"m not writing in his blog anymore (although, I really should be - even if I don't publish it anymore) and I'm really feeling my emotions start to bottle up. Writing really is therapy for me. Music is, too.
It seems as though I've been suckered into helping with another play at the school. And I think suckered is a fair statement since the students have been bugging me every single day for weeks, begging me to help again (I guess I should be flattered). Anyway, it's a musical so we had auditions this week and one of the students, who completely caught us off guard with her beautiful voice, sang a song I never heard before but I LOVED it. I couldn't get it out of my head so I asked her what the song was and it's called Crawl by Superchick. I've been listening to it nonstop ever since.
I think the song is beautiful, I think the lyrics are beautiful and I think the dancing in the video is beautiful. I feel like I've been crawling a lot lately. Work is so busy that I get through the days fine. But by the time I make my way to bed, and am left with nothing but my thoughts, the overwhelming amount of sadness I still feel takes over my body. I still cry myself to sleep almost every single night, but when I'm "crawling" to get by, Pat is too. I'm not alone. Pat has been there with me every step of the way and I feel so very lucky to have him by my side.
When I was in the hospital with Mark on that first night, he kept staring at my wedding ring and twisting it around with his hand. He couldn't talk so I don't know what, if anything, was going through his mind when he was doing this but I feel like it was his way of saying, "I'm so glad you have Pat to take care of you when I'm gone." And he's right. I am so lucky to have Pat. This song reminds me of how supportive he has been over the last month. I don't know what I would do without him.
It's a very conflicting and sad feeling to be so thankful to be married to your best friend, knowing that your mom just lost hers. Sometimes I even feel guilty about it. But I know that my mom is happy for me to have Pat and I know that Mark was, too.
I know the journey of healing is long and that time is the only thing that will make it easier for me. Until then, there will still be many days when I have to crawl just to get through the day.
It seems as though I've been suckered into helping with another play at the school. And I think suckered is a fair statement since the students have been bugging me every single day for weeks, begging me to help again (I guess I should be flattered). Anyway, it's a musical so we had auditions this week and one of the students, who completely caught us off guard with her beautiful voice, sang a song I never heard before but I LOVED it. I couldn't get it out of my head so I asked her what the song was and it's called Crawl by Superchick. I've been listening to it nonstop ever since.
I think the song is beautiful, I think the lyrics are beautiful and I think the dancing in the video is beautiful. I feel like I've been crawling a lot lately. Work is so busy that I get through the days fine. But by the time I make my way to bed, and am left with nothing but my thoughts, the overwhelming amount of sadness I still feel takes over my body. I still cry myself to sleep almost every single night, but when I'm "crawling" to get by, Pat is too. I'm not alone. Pat has been there with me every step of the way and I feel so very lucky to have him by my side.
When I was in the hospital with Mark on that first night, he kept staring at my wedding ring and twisting it around with his hand. He couldn't talk so I don't know what, if anything, was going through his mind when he was doing this but I feel like it was his way of saying, "I'm so glad you have Pat to take care of you when I'm gone." And he's right. I am so lucky to have Pat. This song reminds me of how supportive he has been over the last month. I don't know what I would do without him.
It's a very conflicting and sad feeling to be so thankful to be married to your best friend, knowing that your mom just lost hers. Sometimes I even feel guilty about it. But I know that my mom is happy for me to have Pat and I know that Mark was, too.
I know the journey of healing is long and that time is the only thing that will make it easier for me. Until then, there will still be many days when I have to crawl just to get through the day.
Comments